Dear Santa: An MRFHL Christmas List
2025-12-25
Letters to Santa were always my favourite thing.
I was always a bit of a daydreamer, spending hours lost in my own imagination. I would conjure up images in my mind of every gift possible jammed under the tree and spent far too much time wondering if my request for a Camaro (5.7L v8 to be specific) would come fully wrapped, or just sitting in the lane with a bow on it — and less importantly, if Santa concern himself with the fact that I was still a decade away from getting my drivers license.
Even though I knew not every wish would be fulfilled, Christmas morning always brought the excitement of wondering which items Santa deemed fit for me to receive and which would go back on my long list and be resubmitted the following year.
With it being Christmas eve and all, I wanted to share with you this year’s letter to Santa — including a special mention for every team in the MRFHL.
Merry Merfmas to all, and to all a good night.
Dear Santa,
How are you? I hope things have not been too busy at the workshop for you. I’m hoping that with all the advances in automation and 3D printing, it’s allowed some of the elves to take a bit of a step back and not have to crunch so hard leading up to the holidays.
This year I have made 31 friends through the MRFHL. They are all hardworking, passionate and do so much to bring joy to all those on discord. I’m not sure if all of them have made your nice list (I imagine Austin has been giving you fits for years) but in hopes they have, I wanted to send you a list of all the gifts that I think they could use.
I do hope you have room in your sleigh for everything. I’ve left out extra cookies because I know I’m cutting it close to the deadline, and carrots for all the reindeer (but please give Dasher’s to Rudolph — I have a feeling he was the one that kept our red-nosed friend from playing reindeer games).
Thank you, Santa.
Clayton.
ANAHEIM — HARBINGER FLEXFIT KIDNEY BELT
Please send two of these to Anaheim for my friend Beamer’s team. Nazem Kadri and Jared McCann have combined for 30% of the team’s points, and I’m worried they might hurt themselves putting the whole team on their back. Also, Beamer said a couple days again that he wanted a whole paragraph written about him… so I guess, in a way this is two gifts.
BOSTON — 2025/26 NHL RULE BOOK
If you are still able to drop a gift off in Boston, please make sure my new pal Nico gets one of these. Although he’s a great guy, his team has been quite naughty — they lead the league with 435 penalty minutes. I figure a quick refresher will get them all back on the straight and narrow... or at least give Eeli something to sit on when they go for dinner as a team.
BUFFALO — CASIO WD-220 DESKTOP CALCULATOR
Ron is a real great guy but has been having a tough year. Unfortunately his team is in the basement and he’s just doing everything he can to make it through the season. If you could drop off this gift I know it’d help a lot because his team is carrying more than $13 million in dead cap (almost double the next closest team) and I think if he could just get his finances in order he’d be better for it next season.
CALGARY — FISHER PRICE DOCTOR PLAYSET
I know he’s a Leafs fan, but Derek truly has been nice this year. Could you please make sure this gift is dropped off for him and his team in Calgary, I know we don’t track man-games lost due to injury but I’m quite positive if we did, then the Flames would be leading. I just want him to be healthy and happy in the new year (except when I play him, of course).
CAROLINA — SHORESY BOX SET
Santa, with a new season of this show coming out over Christmas, I think that Jerry and his team in Carolina would really enjoy binging the first few seasons of the show — especially since Nikita Zadorov is like a living, breathing Shore with five fights already this season. You gotta set the tone.
CHICAGO — INVITATION TO JOIN THE MRFAHL
This is a bit of a weird one, but do you think you could drop off an invitation (make it a real pretty one) for Todd so that he’ll finally join the farm league? Currently the IceHogs are dead last with only 15 points and I honestly don’t even know how that’s possible. I feel like you could auto-line through the opening 30 games and still have more points than that.
COLORADO — BETTER HOCKEY EXTREME PRO GOALIE
I’m hoping you can drop off this really special gift for Jeremy and the Avalanche organization — I used to have one as a kid. It’s impossible to understand how Alex Ovechkin can be top five in the league for shots (169) but his 7.7% shooting percentage leaves him far from being close to a scoring leader. Maybe a little practice would do him some good.
COLUMBUS — ENDY MATTRESS (x23)
I know this seems like a lot, but I’m sure you could drop them all off at their training facility and Rory can distribute them amongst the team. You see, the Blue Jackets have the lowest amount of home wins in the league (7) and I figure perhaps they’re not getting a good night’s sleep. Also, Endy offers a free, 365 day no-hassle return in case they want to switch it up.
DALLAS — PREPAID PHONE CARD
Honestly Santa, I’d be happy with a wellness check at this point. I haven’t heard from Mark in months and I’m getting a little worried about him. I know he’s a busy guy, but I keep sending in trade proposals and the Stars organization informs me that Mark hasn’t been in the office for months. I’m hoping that this gift will nudge him to get in touch.
DETROIT — 1978 ORIGINAL PRESSING OF KENNY ROGERS “THE GAMBLER”
I’ve always found solace in the sage advice that I receive from the lyrics of all my favourite songs and I’m hoping Austin might too. His Red Wings were vying for the division lead when he decided that December was the right time for a flurry of activity. With six moves over just a few days, I think he might benefit from learning to know when to hold ‘em.
EDMONTON — TRUMP: THE ART OF THE DEAL
This isn’t so much something that I need you to make, but rather just pick it up out of the bargain rack of whatever two-cent bookstore you might pass by. Tanner is endlessly entertaining and such a great part of our league. He’s really made it know how much he wants to land Cale Makar and I think he could use all the help he could get. Also, could you get him a dictionary so that he can look up the definition of ‘undefeated?’
FLORIDA — WHITE SAGE SMUDGE KIT
It wasn’t until this year that I ever believed in bad spirits, or negative energy or dark magic — then Dylan upset somebody and they have absolutely cursed his team. After winning the first five games, the Panthers have been a shocking 12-16-3. I’m hoping this gift can help them reset the energy and have a blessed second half of the season.
LOS ANGELES — GIFT CARD: MAYBOURNE BEVERLY HILLS SPA
It’s one of those gifts that isn’t intended for Cory directly, but I believe it’ll benefit him. Joel Eriksson Ek has had the snot absolutely beat out of him this season, being the target of 95 bodychecks. Given he’s second on the team in points, I really want to make sure his body can hold up for the rest of the season and I think a Moor Mud Scrub would do him good.
MINNESOTA — OCEANUS BRASS BALLS
If I’m being honest, I think Jesse would take any good thing that comes his way right about now. More than anything, I feel his Wild would benefit from someone in that room having a giant pair of brass balls. They have a league worst 634 hits and at this point really need to play with some pride — cause heaven knows they’re not looking like a playoff team. Perhaps they should get the Shoresy box set.
MONTREAL — THE HOCKEY SWEATER
Quick question, do you handle french language gifts or do those get directed to Pere Noël? Either way, could you make sure that Boud gets a copy of this classic book (en français, of course)? It feels like perhaps this team needs to play with a little bit more pride, on paper they seem good enough to compete for the division title, but in reality they’ve been uninspired. Perhaps it’s Mitch Marner’s fault.
NASHVILLE — PRAYER BEADS
I know this is a bit of an unusual ask and I don’t know where you fall on the whole christianity thing (are you Jesus?) but figured I’d get this ask in for Mitch. You see, his team has performed quite well, they’re hanging around in the West and just outside a playoff spot — but they’ve done it all while riding Logan Thompson. May god be with them when they have to put James Reimer in.
NEW JERSEY — MAGNETIC SEASON SCHEDULE
Honestly, I just want a way for Ian to circle some of his upcoming divisional games. In order to make the playoffs, the Devils will have to leapfrog both the Pens and the Canes — whom they’ve defeated in each of their meetings so far this season. With three more games against both of them this season, they could very well make or break the garden state’s postseason dreams.
NEW YORK ISLANDERS — TED LASSO DIGITAL DOWNLOAD
My buddy Robby always seems like he’s on the verge of blowing the whole thing up, but I just need him to believe in himself. That’s why I think he could use a little feel-good, inspirational programming about the team from Richmond that did the unthinkable and bonded together under the blissfully naive leadership of their new coach. Plus, I think Robby would enjoy implementing a ‘biscuits with the boss’ program.
NEW YORK RANGERS — LUCKY RABBIT’S FOOT
I’m not one to promote harming any little creature, but perhaps if you come across some road-kill on your travels you could snag the foot for my buddy Darren in New York. He has an OV70 team that’s punching way above their weight and while they currently hold a three point lead in the east, I’m getting concerned about what happens when that horseshoe he has stuck up his ass finally runs out of juice.
OTTAWA — MINI IRONMAN TROPHY
Sometimes people just need to be given their flowers. Magically, Bill and the Senators have made it through the opening 36 games of the season only using 18 skaters, the absolute minimum. No injuries, no suspensions, no trades — and he’s currently in a division playoff spot. If you feel a second place trophy is in order, send it Karp’s way (35 games played for all 18 skaters).
PHILADELPHIA — MY FIRST DIARY
Santa, I would like you to drop this off to my friend Luc in Philly (and perhaps throw in a shiny pen too). I feel everyone overlooks his team — but they’ve taken a step forward this year and when you look at the prospects, it won’t be long before he’s the belle of the ball. I just want him to have a place where he can write down all the names of those who have crossed him for payback later.
PITTSBURGH — YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T TAKE SIGN
Andrew knows he’s in push mode this year. He’s already traded his first and second round picks and is more interested in winning than recuperating — however the Penguins’ 919 shots are a league worst and with the team currently outside the playoff picture looking in, it’s time to hang a new inspirational piece of art in the locker room care of Michael Scott.
SAN JOSE — PREPAID VISA CARD(S)
At first glance Justin doesn’t seem like the guy that needs a financial lifeline, however as soon as you see his $97M payroll (a league high) I worry about how he’s going to keep the soda machine stocked. I’m hoping these gift cards can help him keep the lights on, cover off Sam Bennett’s Roblox purchases and Jordan Kyrou’s long distance hotel calls.
SEATTLE — GOSO 12-PIECE LOCKPICK SET
We might call him Karp, but he reminds me a lot more of a duck — calm above the surface, paddling away like crazy underneath it. I’m convinced the Kraken are going to make a second-half playoff push, they have perhaps the best goalie tandem in the league and a solid team. The only question that remains is who are they going to rob to get in.
ST. LOUIS — A BOTTLE OF YOUR FINEST WHISKEY
Do you do much distilling in the North Pole? When you’re passing over St. Louis, please drop off a bottle of your finest for Stu. The Blues are currently four points out of a wildcard spot with the other teams carrying one or two games in hand. Although he’s made a trio of moves this month, I fear it’s going to be a loooooong season for Stu.
TAMPA BAY — FOR SALE SIGN
I’ve never been one to doubt my fellow general managers, but I definitely wondered what our buddy Shrek was doing as this season kicked off. Now that we’re closing out the first half, it’s evident that there’s a fire sale going on in Tampa and everything over the age of 25 must go. If you have any other suggestions as to flyers, sale stickers or window signage, please drop it off at the Lightning’s rink.
TORONTO — LOFT RANGE FOLDABLE STEP STOOL
Let’s be honest, my biggest accomplishment is with the farm team — I really don’t know what I’m talking about. These types of requests are probably best served for the Rinos, Nicos, Darrens or Dylans of the world… you know, the ones who have actually won something. So if you don’t mind, please drop off a step stool to help me when I finally get off my high horse.
UTAH — RITALIN (or your methylphenidate of choice)
I could’ve simply requested ‘chill pills’ but I wanted to underscore exactly how much Gary’s Mammoth need to calm-the-eff-down. They are leading the MRFHL in all the usual categories (points, wins, goal differential) but also shots with 1320. We get it Gary, you’re good at this; you’re experienced and you know how to win. But I think it’s time we grind up a little relaxant into the guy’s morning coffee.
VANCOUVER — EASTON SYNERGY 60 STICKS (as many as you have)
Are these still cool? I’m not sure, but all I know is we gotta get Rino’s Canucks some new sticks. Come on, they’re trailing the whole league with only 80 goals… it’s gotta be the sticks. Absolutely no one would believe that someone like Auston Matthews — with his uniquely quick release and seeming ability to score at will — would actually have a down year. Right? RIGHT?!
VEGAS — DD INFLATABLE LANDING PAD
Dan’s been such a good dude this year and he deserves to be in the hunt for a playoff spot. I am hoping you can drop this off (preferably near the beginning of your route) because inevitably Timo Meier is going to fall back to earth and will need a soft landing when his 28.8% shooting percentage gives way. Fifteen goals on 52 shots… please.
WASHINGTON — OGL WALLET CHAIN
I can’t imagine you spending a lot of time in DC (those guys barely believe in the legislation they push through, let alone Santa Claus) but while you’re there could you please drop off this simple gift to my buddy Kirk. The Caps are in the second divisional spot with 43 points, but seven of those are loser points and they have a suspiciously low +4 goal differential. Someone’s going to try to pick his pocket.
WINNIPEG — 2-FOR-1 ICE TIME COUPONS
You’d think that in the frozen tundra that is Manitoba that ice time would abound, however I think Ryan and his Jets have been struggling to find time to practice. Despite having absolute offensive studs like Nathan MacKinnon, Leon Draisaitl and Evan Bouchard, their powerplay is a league’s worst 12%. For the sake of all that’s good and right in the world, get the boys some more ice time.
Every gambler knows That the secret to surviving Is knowing what to throw away And knowing what to keep 'Cause every hand's a winner And every hand's a loser And the best that you can hope for Is to die in your sleep.
Dear Santa: An MRFHL Christmas List
Giving the gift of Christmas to all 32 teams.
My Flexbit Kidney Belt is great! Awesome article Clay, You Da Man!
Dear Santa: An MRFHL Christmas List
Giving the gift of Christmas to all 32 teams.
LMAO!! love it
Dear Santa: An MRFHL Christmas List
Giving the gift of Christmas to all 32 teams.
Gotta be the sticks!
Dear Santa: An MRFHL Christmas List
Giving the gift of Christmas to all 32 teams.